Father, give me strength... give me wisdom... give me hope for the future. Amen

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Why do people fight? Because it’s human nature. We can’t accept things if we don’t like them, so we fight them. Change comes, deal with it. 

I made a huge mistake tonight… have you ever fought someone knowing no one will win? Before you even get into it… you know there’s no good outcomes, and you have the power to stop it right there before it even starts? But you don’t. You give into the monster. You practically jump straight into the abyss. Yeah… that’s what I did…

And I know this is something I cannot fix on my own. But I’ll be hanged if I don’t give it my best shot. Alone? Never. Not even possible… because as the old saying goes “It takes two to tango.” And both parties have to be willing to work toward a solution for anything to get fixed. But God gives us strength through Him to do great and mighty things. To perform miracles when we believe we can. And I need Him now or I may lose one of the dearest friendships I have ever had. 

Father,

Give me the strength to forgive. Give me the wisdom to accept that I must forgive myself before I can rightfully forgive others. Give me hope for a brighter future. And give me the faith to put all I have and all I am into Your mighty hands.

Amen

Single, No Mingle

“But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another.” 1 Corinthians 7:7

First hand experience has taught me that we often take singleness for granted. We constantly fail to realize how much of our time, energy, and thought is taken up by relationships.

I just got out of a wonderful relationship that lasted a year and a half. Everyone around me seems to think I should either be heart broken or on the hunt. Not to be callous, or a downer, but I am neither. 

It’s been a long time since I was single, but I had a random thought today of Paul’s reminder that singleness is a gift, not something to be resented. In 1 Corinthians Paul encourages us to remain single and use the extra time being single provides to focus on our faith, which is something I sorely need to do right now. 

I am not saying that singleness is the only path to take, and I don’t plan on remaining single forever. I’m your typical fanciful girl… Someday I want a man’s man to come in and utterly sweep me off my feet and carry me out to his picturesque ranch miles from civilization. Eventually I want a houseful of handsome, rowdy boys running around underfoot, and a couple curly haired, angelic looking (but ornery as me) girls poking around somewhere. But that’s all in the future… right now…

Right now I am going to embrace the gift of a lifetime. I am going to get my life and my spirit pulled together and look forward to the wonderful life I know my Father has planned for me.

What's a Plan?

"An attitude of contentment and hopefulness is one that recognizes God's sovereignty in every situation. Its is faith-birthed optimism that looks to God - an attitude more aware of and grateful for the evidence of God's grace than of problems needing correction." - Joshua Harris - I Kissed Dating Goodbye -

I have to admit that I had a little bit of a hard time finding this quote... I had to search. I always begin a post with a quote or scripture, that's just my style, it gives me a strong starting point. I was looking for something applicable to finding God's plan for one's life, because I recently realized: my life is here. I'm not a kid anymore...

I just spent a month and a half on vacation, and I had a lot of time to think, time I had to use, because I have things to figure out now. And I came to a life-altering conclusion: I DO NOT LIKE THE PLAN I HAVE FOR MY LIFE! I thought I had it figured out... and I did. But that was the problem. I had it figured out. Where was God's hand in any of it? Nowhere. When did I pray about it? Never. How did I know it was His plan for my life? I didn't... I don't, because now I know: it's not.

I don't know what to do with my life because I haven't taken time out of it to ask the only One Who does know. So, I give up. I'm done planning. I'm giving it all to Him. And I'm going to optimistically look forward to His sovereign plan for my life. My problem now is my plan, so it's gone. Done.

I don't have the slightest clue where my life is going, but there is a subtle beauty in that idea, because I know God knows and he will graciously lead me down the path that He has chosen for my. And with that thought in my head and my heart, I am happier and more content than I have felt in years...

Who Knows Me?

Jeremiah 12:3a
But You know me, O Lord; You see me;

My Father knows me. And I often think He's the only one who does. Someone made a comment yesterday (don't ask me what it was, because for the life of me, I can't remember what it was now) that made me start thinking "Is there anyone who really knows me?" And if I'm being honest with myself, I know the answer is no... and if I'm being brutally honest with myself, I know that's my own fault.

My family knows me at my worst. They see me when I'm moody and when I'm mad. I wear a mask with them that closes them out. But they don't see me clean the kitchen or the living room when they aren't home so my mom or brothers don't have to (or so they don't get in trouble for not doing it before they left like they were supposed to).
My friends know me at my best. They see me happy, smiling, laughing, occasionally making some sarcastic remark... wearing a mask that says everything's okay... But they don't see me keeping to myself just so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My best friends see a little of both. They've seen me cry so hard I can't speak. And they've seen me laugh so hard I can't breathe.
My boyfriend is the one I really wonder about... has he ever seen me at my best or my worst? Sure he's seen me at good and bad points. He's seen me buy dinner for a friend who lives on a tight paycheck to paycheck budget and just last night he saw me shake hands and tell a young man with highly functioning autism (who approached us well after dark in a pretty much abandoned park) that of course I would love to be his friend. Yet he's seen me be bitingly sarcastic, cussing mad over trifling matters, and being severely judgmental of someone I only know by stalking their Facebook. But he's never seen me work with utterly adorable, dirty little munchkins living in very poor conditions in run down Texas apartments, or helping build a house in Mexico for a young, pregnant, single mother. He's never seen me laugh so hard I'm rolling on the floor crying over some ridiculous thing my puppy did that probably wasn't even that funny.  And hand in hand with that, he's never seen me snap at my brothers for absolutely no reason or be flippantly disrespectful to my mom just because I'm in a bad mood. And he's never seen me sob over something that isn't even that significant... just sets me off for some reason.

That's one good thing about this summer. We're spending more than a month within the same vicinity, seeing each other every day, for the first time since we became a couple. So far, we're both loving it. But at the same time, we're both waiting to see who sets the other off first. We know there will be things we discover about the other that we don't like, and that's a little nerve-racking for me.

And I got a little side-tracked there. Oops... anyway, my point is... Does anyone really know me? Will there ever be anyone who ever truly and completely knows me? Yes.

Jeremiah 1:5ab
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you;

Our Creator knows us like no one else ever will. Now, will there ever be any human who truly and completely knows me? No, I don't think so. I think everyone will have at least one person that knows them better than anyone else... but no one will ever know me like the One who created me for a purpose, because even though I may never know that purpose, He does. And everything that happens, every trial and tribulation adds to who I am, and no one will ever understand that better than Him... not even me.

Author of My Life

"I am the author of my life. Unfortunately, I write in pen and can't erase mistakes." -Unknown

It always amazes me that so many of the most influential quotes known today are by unknown authors. I like to think of whoever said it or wrote sitting up in heaven looking down at us and laughing and thinking, 'These people don't have a clue!'

As much as I love this quote, I do not fully agree with it. To me, the fact that I cannot erase my mistakes is not unfortunate. There will always be those mistakes that I forever regret, but every mistake I have made has been a learning experience. All mistakes are. And without those mistakes and the lessons I learned from them, I would not be the person I am today. If it weren't for certain mistakes that others have made, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't be where I am today.

Some of the most generally relatable examples I have involve my boyfriend. A number of years ago my family moved Oklahoma from California, effectively turning my world upside down. For quite a long time I was very bitter, but eventually I connected to some amazing people who would turn out to lifelong friends. After about 3 years, my family returned to California.The following summer I returned to Oklahoma to visit some friends and go on a mission trip with my church there. A guy friend who had simply been a friend quickly became my best friend during that vacation and a little over a year ago, we made our relationship "official". If my parents hadn't made the mistakes that led to us moving to Oklahoma in the first place, I never would have even met him. And if they hadn't made the mistakes that led to us leaving Oklahoma, he would have simply remained a friend. But through mistakes made, God opened doors to give me the biggest blessing he has to date, my boyfriend.

And if it weren't for the mistakes I've made in the past, for the degrading and bad relationships I had before, I wouldn't know what a blessing God gave me when he gave me my boyfriend.

We're currently approaching a time in our lives when our lives really begin. We've both just graduated, we're applying to colleges, coming to the realization that this is us. No one else. From here we make the choices that will mold our lives. And I know I speak for both of us when I say I can't wait to see what God has in store for us. And personally, I can't wait to look back on and learn from the mistakes I pen along the way.