You Never Know When...

July 2013

... life is going to hit you in the face. Now for those few of you who know me, you know I haven't had the worst life, but it sure and anything hasn't been easy either. I've had some bad times, but remembering the good times is what really kills me. Most of the time those memories bring a smile to my face, but nights like tonight, I close the door to the bathroom, turn the fan on, and cry my eyes out.

Looking back on my life is a lot like looking at the ocean. Sometimes it's calm and serene, other times it's like a raging storm. Sometimes it makes me happy, other times is makes me sad. Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm connected, feel like I'm a part of something... and other times it makes me feel empty and alone.

I never know when nights like this are going to hit. Just the smallest things can set me off. A picture of my friends without me, a status on Facebook, a comment about some gathering I'm not going to be at... and I just break down and scream at God and ask why my life turned out this way, why I couldn't just stay where I was happy... and I know the answer. If I had stayed in that place in my life, I would've missed so many other things in my life, but that doesn't make the heartache go away. I still don't know what God's plan for me is, but I know He has one.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 tells us: God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end.

There are times I have a hard time accepting my life for what it's been, but my life is my testimony. My life is my story. And my life has made me who I am.

Missing Pieces

July 2013

"It was not the feeling of completeness I so needed, but the feeling of not being empty." ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

Last week a very dear friend of mine was married in Alabama and was a bridesmaid. I flew out early to help with wedding prep and spend time with her before the big day. I spent a week and a half with her, her family, and her community. She lives in a very small town in an even smaller holiness community. I'm a believer in Christ and I have attended church all my life, but I don't have any experience with holiness churches. Never in my life have I experienced the deep level of familial commitment to one another their community shares. At first I thought it was due to the fact that they've all grown up together, and to a point that's true. But the more time I spent among them, I began to realize the number of years they've all been together has very little to do with it. Their bonds are based on their commitments to God and truly biblical living.

The women do not cut their hair, and the men keep their hair short (1 Corinthians 11). Most of the women don't wear makeup. Everyone dresses very modestly (1 Timothy 2, 1 Peter 3). They are conscious of what they watch and listen to. They truly live by the guidelines of Romans 12: 2- "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." They live simple, biblical lives. And they love each other and they are happy.

I left feeling empty. Feeling... bereft and envious. I've never experienced the fellowship they share on a daily basis and I want it desperately... Their faith and their bonds with each other and make me want to be a part of it.

Never would I have guessed I would even consider making the decision to spend the rest of my life wearing skirts and not cutting my hair, but the simple beauty of it all is so appealing. I'm not sure I'm ready to give up my jeans quite yet, but my heart and soul feel empty when I think of my spiritual life compared to theirs. And if a simple life style change to adjust my focus would put me on the road toward sharing a fellowship I currently feel bereft of... it's a sacrifice well worth making. 

May 2013

"The most heartbreaking thing in the world is not knowing how to comfort one you love when they are in pain." ~Marissa Mattes~

Random Acts of Kindness

April 2013

So, I was having a pretty bad day today. No specific reason, just one of those days. And when I say no reason, I really mean no reason; the weather is gorgeous, I had a great day yesterday, and in general, things are good. I just wasn't feeling it today. I walked into town to run a few errands... didn't help my mood that I wasn't paying attention and made a wrong turn and ended up taking about a 2 mile detour with already blistered feet. But I got to where I was going and made a stop at the local drug store for a few necessities (not that you would care, but: face wash, lotion, sunscreen, sponge, mousse... and by that point I desperately needed something to drink).

Now, normally people who seem perpetually optimistic and happy bother me... I mean, can you say hello to reality? But for some reason, today that wasn't the case. The cashier was really nice. He asked how I was. But instead of accepting my generalized 'Good' and half-smile, he really looked at me and went, 'Really?' and I told him'Well, you know, just one of those days.' But the thing is, he took an interest. He paid attention and seemed to be genuinely interested... and not in a creepy way. We made small talk for a couple minutes and then I left. But as I was leaving he told me 'Enjoy the rest of your day. Stay beautiful.'

So, here's the part where I mention my hair was pulled back, almost severely so, I had no make up on, and I was probably kinda sun burned. Not exactly my idea of beautiful. So that simple comment, that basic act of kindness, totally made my day. I walked home in a much better mood and feeling quite simply happy. And just because a stranger in a store took the time to talk for a few minutes... to be nice.

Can you imagine how much better the world would be if people took the extra 30 seconds it takes to compliment somebody or help an old lady get something off the shelf at the grocery store? Because I can. And it's quite the picture.

So... how 'bout church?

February 2013

I was recently reading a conversation on a friend's FB status regarding church. Specifically, atheists going to church. For the sake of privacy, the people in the part of the conversation I'm sharing will be labled "A" and "B".

The original status (and I'm paraphrasing) was essentially "Why do atheists think they don't have to go to church because they're atheists if going to church is considered the 'right' thing to do?"

A: Because we're not going to waste our time doing something we don't believe in.

B: Well, what if you started dating a Christian girl and she wanted you to go to church with her?

A: I would go because I was asked. Regardless of beliefs, it's the polite thing to do.

In it's entirety, the conversation was much longer, but mostly comments were unrelated. This section of the conversation is the only part relevant to my point. I have a lot of acquaintances. I've lived a lot of places, and the reality is, the majority of my friends are not Christians. While this conversation was hypothetically speaking about a 'couple' it is not exclusive to that scenario.

How many people do you know that don't go to church? Professing believer, atheist, agnostic, whatever. Personally, I know a LOT. Now, how many of them have you asked to attend church with you? If you're like me the answer is, sadly, if any, not many.

Now, read that conversation again. A said that he would go to church... if only he was asked. While it was in reference to a romantic connection, the simple truth is, they would probably say yes if it was just a friend that asked them.

The fact is, an atheist, or non believer of any form, is not going to just walk into a church. It's intimidating. It's scary. The unknown always is. But what if someone asked them to go along? Invited them in? You know what makes the unknown bearable and a lot less scary? Support. Someone standing by your side.

So, think about it. Is it really that hard to say "Hey! You doing anything this weekend? Would you like to go to church with me and grab some lunch on Sunday?" The worst they can do is say no. But what if they say yes? It could be the first step to salvation for someone. And all you have to do, is ask one little question.

My Heart Trusts in Him

February 2013

I recently realized, as in a matter of minutes ago, that I have never explained the title of my blog. And point in fact, it's a very significant part of everything I write. The name comes from a verse in Psalms.

Pslam 28:7- The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, And with my song I shall thank Him.

The reminder in this verse that I am no longer my own person, that I am Christ's, that I am not alone, has gotten me through nearly every trial in my life since I cam across is roughly 5 years ago. It has shaped my life, and it has given me strength and comfort when there was non to be found.

I Love You

December 2012

"I love you" is not a question, so why do we feel like it requires an answer?

A friend of mine replied to this saying "When one says it, we feel the need to say it back because we want that person to know we love them back." And while I can completely see his point of view, I can also see another side to this.

When I tell you "I love you", while it is indeed nice to hear you say "I love you too", getting that response is not my intent. My intent is, quite simply, to let you know how I feel. It is not an obligation to respond, it's something that is meant to make you feel cherished, with no gain of any kind to me. It's a gift, a gift of affection, letting you know you hold a place in my heart and that I am trusting you with that place. <3 p="">